"Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offences will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come! It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones. Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him. And the apostles said unto the Lord, Increase our faith." Luke 17:1-5.

"Let's bury the hatchet!" Have you ever heard that phrase? Do you know what it means? It comes out of early American Indian lore. The American Indians, when making peace with another tribe, would have a formal ceremony where they would literally bury a hatchet to show that hostilities had ended. An empty right hand, the hatchet hand, was extended to show no weapons were being carried. It was their way of saying, "The war is over. Let's get on with life."

When it comes to forgiving others some say they have "buried the hatchet." But have you ever noticed? While they say they have buried the hatchet, it is usually somewhere nearby in a shallow, well-marked grave awaiting a timely resurrection!

A man was telling his friends about a recent problem he had with his wife. He said, "Every time my wife and I get in an argument she gets historical." The friend said, "Don't you mean 'hysterical'?" "No," the man said, "I mean historical. She brings up every wrong thing I have ever done in the past twenty years."

"Have you ever been deeply hurt by someone?"

Every person whom I have asked this question has given me a resounding, "Yes!" Some have responded emphatically, with great emotion; others reluctantly, as though somewhat embarrassed. The remarkable thing is not that we were hurt. We live in a world of hurt. People get hurt all the time. Jesus said the world is full of offense. It is impossible to live in our evil world and not have an occasion of bitterness and anger because of an offense.

What is remarkable is that...

... you recalled it so quickly.

... you still remember it so clearly.

All that had to be done was pose the question, push your button, and a screen dropped down in your mind with a person's image projected-with places, dates and words-all still recorded somewhere on your mind.

While this chapter will take the approach from the perspective of a person who has been hurt, let's first get a dirty secret out in the open. Not only are we sometimes the one offended; often we are the offender. We must sadly admit while there are time we are the innocent one who has been hurt, there are probably as many times when we are the guilty one dishing out the hurt. For every hurt there is someone who inflicted the hurt. Some who are reading this have hurt others deeply, but you have never admitted it. Your defense system, your denial, your pride has blinded you to your part in the "offense scenario." Come clean. 'Fess up. Take responsibility. You may want to review the five things that cause offenses listed in chapter 4.

Primarily, the intent of this chapter is to help people who have been hurt. All of us have felt our blood boiling, our hearts pounding, our stomach tightening, our mouth drying as we fumed over what someone said or did to us.

When you feel the sting of bitterness touch your life because of what someone said or did to you there are three things you should do.

Forgive Immediately

For us to be free from the problems and hurts of our past and to be free from the consequences that would continue to plague us, we must forgive. This is a godly absolute and God absolutely will not change His stand on this. "Forgive...seven times in a day...forgive." Luke 17:3-4. Forgiveness sounds like a marvelous idea until you are the one who has to do it. It makes no sense. Why should you be the one who forgives when you were the one who was wronged? No one ever said forgiving was easy. If it were easy, you wouldn't need God's help. Forgiving will not always be easy, but it will always be right.

"Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." Ephesians 4:31-32.

So, what is forgiveness?

Forgiveness Is Not...
· ...a feeling. If a person waits for a "feeling" to motivate them, they will never forgive. You will not "feel" like forgiving because it was your "feelings" that were hurt in the first place.
· ...pretending you were not hurt. Pushing your hurt feelings back into the recesses of your mind won't fix this problem.
· ...saying the other person was not wrong. Wrong is wrong no matter who does it.
· ...relieving other people of their responsibility. Hopefully, the offender will ask for your forgiveness and reconciliation will result eventually. Regardless, we are to be the first to forgive.

Forgiveness Is...
· ...a decision. Forgiveness is exercised out of our wills, not out feelings.
· ...a decision I make. No one can do your forgiving for you. Forgiving those who have hurt you is something only you can do.
· ...a decision I make to obey God. Forgiveness is God's prescription for a person who has been hurt.
· ...a decision I make to obey God and to live my daily life not allowing someone else's actions or attitudes to determine the quality of my life. When we are offended and refuse to forgive, we end up getting down in the dirt with our offender.

So, forgiveness is a decision I make to obey God and to live my daily life not allowing someone else's actions or attitudes to determine the quality of my life.

Dr. Archibald Hart defines forgiveness as "giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me."

Someone else said forgiveness is "turning our anger over to God."

Jay Adams says forgiveness is a promise "not to bring up the offense to the offender, or to others, or to yourself in the future."

A woman was causing all kinds of misery in a church. The pastor said to his young associate, "She is the most important lady in our church." The associate questioned how that could be? The wise pastor said, "She is teaching you the lesson of forgiveness and if you can love her, you can love anybody!"

God wants us to love and forgive others and He goes to great lengths to bring us to understand this. Some years ago I was speaking for a week at a special revival meeting in a church in Tennessee. We had no idea what God was about to do. Among those who were at the Monday night service was a total stranger from California, a man named Kirk. Keep in mind I had driven 600 miles from Texas to Tennessee. Kirk had driven to this small Tennessee town to rescue his 16-year-old daughter who had taken up with a man she had meet over the internet [this was when the internet was relatively new]. I preached that evening on Ahithophel, the root of bitterness and the three things people need to do when someone has hurt them. It was evident God had brought all of us together. The next day, with the help of the FBI, Kirk's daughter was rescued and that evening they were both in the revival service before returning to California. One would have to conclude God is serious about confronting people with the need to forgive others.

The second thing we should do when someone has hurt us is….

Forget Ultimately

Is it really possible to forgive and forget? Earlier in this chapter you were asked if you had ever been deeply hurt by someone, and wham, there is what was in your mind, tucked away in the back of your mental file cabinet.

Forgetting should be the result of forgiving, not the means. It is the next step, not the first step. To insist that one forget first is to make passing the final exam the entrance requirement for the course.

One of the Apostle Paul's priorities was "forgetting those things which are behind." Philippians 3:13. He determined to leave the past in the past. Most people wish it were than easy.

So, what is Bible forgetting?

The Bible-kind of forgetting is not...
...spiritual amnesia.
...a mental block.
...a loss of memory.
...a blank place on our memory tape.

Genesis 41:51 gives us God's definition of forgetting. Joseph had just finished the worst thirteen years of his life. From the time he was 17 until he was 30, he had never had what most people would consider a "good day." He had been sold by his brothers, his master's wife had falsely accused him of sexual assault, he had spent time in prison on that false charge and a fellow prisoner who had the key to his release forgot him for an additional two years. The day came when God raised Joseph up to become the Prime-Minister of Egypt, second only to Pharaoh. He had gone from the pit to the prison to the palace. Joseph was given an Egyptian name, Zaphnath-paanah, which meant "a revealer of secrets" and an Egyptian bride, Asenath. When Joseph's first child was born look at what he named him. Joseph called the boy "Manasseh...for God...hath made me to forget all my toil and all my father's house." Genesis 41:51.

When Joseph said he had forgotten his family it did not mean that he no longer had any memory of them or what they had done. The Bible would later tells us that Joseph's brothers didn't recognize him when they traveled to Egypt for the first time, but he immediately recognized them, Genesis 42:7. The last time they had seen Joseph he was 17. He was now 40 and looking and talking very Egyptian.

Bible forgetting is remembering but not acting negatively on what we remember with hurt, anger or revenge

God said through the prophet Jeremiah, "for I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more." Jeremiah 31:34. This cannot mean that God loses His recollection. God has perfect omniscience. He knows all things, all the time, perfectly. The Hebrew word "remember" ["zakar"] means to "act upon what is remembered," so for God to not remember means He does not act on what He knows about our sins because He has forgiven them through Jesus Christ.

After Jacob died, Joseph's brothers were sure he would then get even with them. "And when Joseph's brethren saw that their father was dead, they said, Joseph will peradventure hate us, and will certainly requite us all the evil which we did unto him. And they sent a messenger unto Joseph, saying, Thy father did command before he died, saying, So shall ye say unto Joseph, Forgive, I pray thee now, the trespass of thy brethren, and their sin; for they did unto thee evil: and now, we pray thee, forgive the trespass of the servants of the God of thy father. And Joseph wept when they spake unto him. And his brethren also went and fell down before his face; and they said, Behold, we be thy servants. And Joseph said unto them, Fear not: for am I in the place of God? But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive." Genesis 50:15-20. Verse 17 is the first time the word "forgive" is used in the Bible. This was nearly 40 years after these brothers had mistreated Joseph and they were still in the grip of the guilt because of their sin against him.

This might be a good time to differentiate between two biblical terms: forgiveness and reconciliation.

Apart from anyone coming to you, you can forgive those who have hurt you. As a matter of fact, the first step in the process of forgiveness is always your step, Ephesians 4:32, Matthew 5:22-24, Mark 11:25.

It takes only one to forgive, but reconciliation takes two. Any genuine reconciliation must involve both parties-the one who did the hurt and the one who was hurt. Genuine reconciliation is a two-way street.

Yet, you can and must forgive people to whom you are not yet reconciled. Joseph had forgiven his brothers years before. Sadly, it took almost 40 years for the brothers to initiate full reconciliation with Joseph.

Think about the relationship between King David and Absalom. David was torn between his parental love and his royal duty after Absalom murdered Ammon. Absalom fled to his grandfather's country, Geshur, and was there three years. All the time, "…the soul of king David longed to go forth unto Absalom." 2 Samuel 13:39. Under law Absalom should have been put to death. At the insistence of the woman of Tekoah, King David brought his rebellious son back to Jerusalem. Yet, "…Absalom dwelt two full years in Jerusalem, and saw not the king's face." 2 Samuel 14:28. For five years David waited for Absalom to change his heart toward God, but there were never any signs of repentance. When Absalom forced Joab to act in his behalf to be brought before the king with his ultimatum: accept me or kill me, 2 Samuel 14:32, the heart of Absalom was revealed. "So Joab came to the king, and told him: and when he had called for Absalom, he came to the king, and bowed himself on his face to the ground before the king: and the king kissed Absalom." 2 Samuel 14:33. David exhibited Thomas Watson's wisdom who said, "We are not bound to trust an enemy; but we are bound to forgive him." David did well to forgive Absalom, but we can question his wisdom in bringing him back into the palace when Absalom showed no signs of genuine repentance.

Our Savior's parable of the prodigal son implies that the father had already forgiven his wayward son and longed for his return. Genuine reconciliation required that the prodigal return with honesty and humility. While the prodigal was sure his father would forgive him, he had no reason to believe things would be as before. He would be content to be as a "hired servant," just so long as he was allowed to again be in his father's house. When the prodigal reached home, three surprises met him. First, his father was waiting for him on the very day of his return. How could he know which day he would return? The father had been there every day! Second, the father met him, not with a sharp rebuke, but "fell on his neck, and kissed him." Luke 15:20. That was the sign of his forgiveness. Third, what amazed the prodigal and broke his heart was what followed the kiss. "But the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet: And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry: For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry." Luke 15:22-24. The father's forgiveness, along with the son's sincere confession, resulted in complete reconciliation. And, by the way, the father never brought up the prodigal's past, only the elder brother, Luke 15:30.

The glory of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that we have been forgiven because God remembers the full payment Jesus Christ made for our sins on the cross.

Bible forgetting is remembering without hurting or hating
Clara Barton, of Red Cross fame, was reminded of a vicious deed someone had done to her years before. She acted as if she had never heard of the incident. "Don't you remember it?" she was asked. "No, I distinctly remember forgetting it."

A Second Event
People who have been hurt and truly want to get victory over its memory need to have what I have called a "second event." You need to add another page in your mental file. You need to cover the "first event" of the hurt with a "second event" of forgiveness. And just like the "first event" had a date, a place, and with certain people involved, the "second event" of forgiveness needs nailing down with the day and the place where you declare your "second event." So, when you are reminded of the "first event" that hurt you, you will not be able to think about it without recalling that you covered it with an intentional "second event" of forgiveness. That makes the forgiving as real as the hurt that caused your initial resentment and bitterness.

After teaching this in a church in Oklahoma, a man, who had been divorced for several years, said his "second event" had given him a long-awaited emotional and spiritual victory.

Forbear Constantly

"Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye." Colossians 3:13.

In this scripture "forgiving" is coupled with "forbearing." There will be times when those we forgive will hurt us, sometimes again and again. Remember, we are all repeat offenders. On those occasions we must "forbear," patiently and lovingly "putting up" with the stuff that goes along with living with another sinner.

On those occasions we must "forbear," patiently and lovingly "putting up" with the stuff that goes along with living with another sinner.

Young's Analytical Concordance of the Bible says this word "forbear" [anechomai] means "to hold self back." The idea is to keep ourselves under control.

A man in a store was observed with a three-year-old in a stroller who was yelling at the top of his lungs and kicking out of control. The man was heard saying very softly and very slowly, "Ernest, be calm. Ernest, it will be okay. Ernest, this will only take a few minutes." A mother could not help but notice and said to him, "Sir, I just want you to know that I think it's the sweetest things I have ever seen the way you are handling Ernest." The man replied, "Lady, you don't understand. I'm Ernest!"

There are times when we all need to do is to show more patience or understanding. Most of us have regretted it when we haven't.

There they are: forgive immediately, forget ultimately, and forbear constantly. Such response toward hurt is not only possible, it is required. Those who are "in Christ" are "new creatures," 2 Corinthians 5:17, and are able to do all things through the strength of Christ, Philippians 4:13, with power that exceeds all expectations, Ephesians 3:20. If we claim God as our Father, then our treatment of others is to be modeled after Him.

After fishing all day in the streams of the Scottish highlands, some fishermen assembled in a small inn for tea. As the waitress sat down a cup of tea, the cup was accidently hit and its contents were splattered against a white wall. An ugly brown stain immediately appeared. One guest stood and said, "Never mind!" Taking a crayon from his pocket, he began to make a sketch around the stain. Presently there emerged a magnificent stag with huge antlers! The artist was Sir Edwin Landseer, England's foremost painter of animals.

If an artist can do that with an ugly stain, God can do much more with lives which are stained by sin. To failing, faltering and sinful mankind, God gives a gracious invitation: "Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." Isaiah 1:18.

The God who is ready and willing to forgive us, requires those whom He forgives to forgive others. "And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." Ephesians 4:32.

It seems clear that the only person we really hurt when we don't forgive is our self. When we decide to "just move on" and leave the results with God, a weight is lifted from our shoulders.

So, will you forgive or not forgive-that is the question. Will you obey what the Bible clearly teaches or will you disobey the instruction of God in His Word?

If you will not forgive, what are you doing? You are disobeying! And what is disobedience? It is sin.

What happens if you refuse to forgive?

You Cut Yourself Off From God
"And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors...For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Matthew 6:12, 14-15. Our Savior was not teaching that our forgiveness is a prerequisite to our receiving forgiveness. We do not earn forgiveness by our pious behavior. Jesus lets us understand that those who have been forgiven will be forgiving. Grace is to make us gracious. God will not play any of our games. If we approach God about forgiving our sins, while we are not forgiving others of what they have done to us, God will not have it.

You Open Yourself Up to the Devil
"To whom ye forgive any thing, I forgive also: for if I forgave any thing, to whom I forgave it, for your sakes forgave I it in the person of Christ; Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices." 2 Corinthians 2:10-11. In just two verses our forgiving other people is mentioned five times. One of the advantages we give Satan comes when we refuse to forgive others. "Neither give place to the devil." How does that happen? "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:" Ephesians 4:27, 26

More than thirty years ago, for what seemed like months, I was involved in serious crisis counseling to help save the marriage of a young couple. Like a lot of young married people, they were learning by trial and error-there were plenty of errors which was resulting in a lot of trials. On different occasions either the husband or the wife had come to me for help. In one of the cases, the husband had gone out and bought a gun to go hunting when there really wasn't enough money to meet their daily needs. Not to be outdone, in brilliant retaliation, the wife went out and spent more money [that they didn't have] on some clothes for herself.

They were a real mess.

Yet, they were still in church, still working in some of the church's ministries, still trying to work things out, and I truly loved them.

Then it happened. The night that it all came to a head was after a Wednesday night service. I had already gotten home late in the evening after a full day of ministry. I was catching a breath when… the phone rang. It was before "caller ID" so I answered. They were at it again. I have to be honest, I really didn't want to go and hear for the umpteenth time the same old story, but I got dressed, left my family, and made the four mile trip over to their little house in the northeast of Houston. When I knocked on the door, both of them were quiet and the room was cold - really cold! Then it heated up! Him and then her. Her and then him. Back and forth. Five minutes, ten minutes, twenty minutes. He did this. She said that.

Finally, something happened in me that had never happened before, nor has it ever happened since. Listening to them argue, I began to cry uncontrollably. I began to heave. Rivers of tears began to run down my face. And, then, out of nowhere, in the middle of my crying, I began to say repeatedly, "I hate the devil." "I hate the devil." "I hate the devil." "I hate the devil." After saying those words, I don't know how many times, I left the room, went to the kitchen, and got a paper towel to soak up the tears and regain my composure.

I dreaded going back into the living room, but when I returned a few minutes later, the couple were holding each other, apologizing, and forgiving each other. We prayed and I went back home.

That evening God broke through when we discovered the one who is our real enemy, Satan. "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: " 1 Peter 5:8. By God's grace that situation was reversed and the devil was shown the door.

I remember the day
When to that someone I did say, "I forgive you
But...forgetting it,
I can't seem to do!"

I never did share
With anyone my hurt
because of my despair,
The memory keeps
flashing on the screen,
the hurt is so deep.

Then I learned one night
That I needed a "second event"
To get forgiveness right.
I needed to cover it,
To lay it to rest,
for my benefit.

I can have victory I find
when the memory
comes to mind.
I see the spot
where I buried it
in my cemetery plot!