How to Be a Good Liberal Today

1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.

4. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

5. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

6. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.

7. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

8. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but activists from Seattle do.

9. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

10. You have to believe the military, not politicians, start wars.

11. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

12. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

13. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.

14. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

15. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.

16. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

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