Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.

Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.

Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.

Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.

Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.

Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.

Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.

Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.

Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.

Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.

Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.

Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

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