A pastor, apparently disgusted with the excuses parishioners offered as to why they didn’t attend worship services, included “Reasons Why I Never Wash” in the Sunday bulletin:

I was forced to as a child.

People who wash are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than everybody else.

There are so many different kinds of soap; I can’t decide which one is best.

I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.

I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.

None of my friends wash.

I’ll start washing when I get older and dirtier.

I can’t spare the time.

The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.

People who make soap are only after your money.

I don’t like the songs people sing in the bathroom.

I can clean myself perfectly well whenever I pass a sink, so I don’t need a bathtub.

I know how to stay clean without washing.

The last time I washed, someone was rude to me.

What I do doesn’t affect anybody but me.

I know someone who washes every day and still smells bad.

I don’t believe in soap. I sat beside a whole case of it for an hour once, and nothing happened.

Washing was invented by people who knew nothing about science.

If people saw me without my makeup, they would laugh at me.

I’m so dirty now that if I washed, the drain would clog.

Cats, dogs, and chickens never wash, and they are happy all the time.

Prehistoric humans were happy all the time until the first soap salesman made them feel guilty.

If I start washing again, my friends will think I am trying to conform to middle-class standards.

Washing is for women and children.

Washing is for people much dirtier than I am.

I will wash when I find the bathroom that is exactly right for me.

I only believe in things I can see, and I can’t see bacteria.

Children need to see that it is OK to be different.

Children need to see a few bad examples.

Washing may have been OK in my grandfather’s day, but it’s not practical in today’s world. I need to look dirty, talk dirty, and fight dirty to survive.

I watch other people washing on TV.

There are lots of clean people who never wash.

We’ve just moved here six years ago and haven’t had a chance.

I bought a bad bar of soap once, so I swore I would never wash again!

I feel as close to washing on the golf course as I do in the bathroom.

I never wash when I have company.

Washday is the only day I have to sleep in.

My wife washes enough for the whole family

I know people who wash but don’t act very clean.

Washing is the opiate of the masses.

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