"DON'T SQUAT WITH YER SPURS ON!"

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

IF a someone says there ain't no God, tell'em to go tell the cow, she'll understand better.